We tried pools, lakes, splash pads, and we liked them all. Crazy to think that 1 year ago, I was treading water almost every day trying to encourage you to come out!
Lately you love: riding in carts, exploring with dad, sitting on Grammy’s lap, being read to (What are Duck and Goose Feeling? and when it gets to the Happy page you love to say “happphh”), standing on your tippy toes to see the chickens in the backyard, and watching daddy cook in the kitchen.
Aug 2018/ May 2019
I’ve been trying to write you something and I have one month left until June 6th and the right words aren’t arranging themselves how I would want them to. So I’ll tell you something else.
Today someone I know lost their baby at 36 weeks. Somehow this seems right to tell you, because maybe someday you will feel that this first year of life (and however many you are given after) was owed to you. But it might not have ever happened. That was possible too. However many years you get, and however many I get with you, I hope you’ll know each one was not owed to you. In school they may tell you something else, but this is why it’s important we learn to count things. Because our bodies know they won’t reach infinity on their own, but we do not.
You wouldn’t sleep last night and I’m tired today. The reason you wouldn’t is still a mystery. So much of your existence is wrapped up in these little and grand mysteries. The mystery of why I was given this year with you, and some aren’t given so much. Down to the mystery of why you couldn’t sleep last night. You’ve been teaching me minute by minute how to exist without knowing anything.
If I’m honest, I do wish I could know more.
How to settle a mind that wants conclusions before things have concluded. Conclusion is not owed to me. That you are still breathing and growing and thriving is the opposite of you concluding. Grief is the business of being given conclusions before we are ready for them.
Today I will keep my tired eyes open to you a little wider and a little longer, because today was not owed to us. I’ll wash you, dress you, and sing softly into your ear to help my eternal heart be present in this physical moment. I’ll hold you to myself and quiet any thoughts of the sacrifices I have made for you, and redirect them to how many opportunities I was given to sacrifice for you. What gifts.
And when my thoughts turn to fear, because death makes me fear conclusions will be drawn too early;
I’ll listen to your laugh, and I’ll pray it’s eternal.
Got to take you scouting with me this morning :)
4.30.18 “I can tell that we are gonna be friends.”
A snack on the porch after work because it’s a sunny spring afternoon.
This year my sister turned 27 on Easter Sunday so she made the most delicious Easter brunch for her family and she let me decorate the table for her. So much fun to celebrate her and collaborate with her. <3 My favorite was the cardamom strawberry popsicles ✨
There is no history
my experience of you is one continuous loop.
There never was before you
There will be nothing after.
Thus the Apostle's Mystery:
It may be too much to ascribe
to another person,
too divine to live firsthand.
But God the man makes a bride of mankind:
who am I to belittle what he planned?
I am now always wed to you.
I am always of a bed with you.
I am tomorrow always head to you.
is an eternal setting
in the story of the heart.
This is what the children of all the divorced know:
Why can it not be with whom you said it would be?
May our children never know it.
What begins in ceremony never dies.
It only gets belied.
What grows in covenant never decays.
It only gets betrayed.
There are promises and mistakes,
Oaths and their oathbreaks.
May he bind the cords again tonight
In a moment unfit to share with anyone else.
May he write the words again tonight
In a poem meant only for us
So we know a little better
What it is to be chosen
And never lied to or betrayed -
A selection once done, ever frozen
What awe it is to be loved -
A beginning with no end.
Endless beginnings as far as the eye can see.
"Behold, I am making all things new."
Once more: I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Love that we find you here so often.
Nothing more fun than coasters.
You loved all the “di/ti/shhhhh”
You love watching everything that lives underwater, just like your dad.
You love being underwater, just like your mom.
you see my love
as an unlanguaged blur.
You find its lines
only in the shape of my face,
its warmth in my palms.
Some day I will try to tell you
how big it was,
the holding in the night,
the patient waiting
for the cries to subside.
My parents did the same.
It is impossible
to fully comprehend
the scale of love
before we know we are
I deceive myself
into the idea that I know enough
to manage my own humanness.
Really, even the smallest corners
of what I cannot see
dwarf the crannies of my mind.
In the niche nooks of knowledge,
some days I can begin
to see myself in my son:
the fury over things
that do not last,
the joy over things
that are insignificant
but are made magnificent
by that same joy.
And on those days
I sense the presence,
wishing me into growth,
loving me in
I got to try my hand at knitting, make kokedama by hand, and eat sushi 31 floors above Bellevue. Not pictured, but I also got to sing karaoke til my hearts content, cuddle my nephews and nieces, and drop Wes off for many hours so that I could miss him so much. Cheers to all the people who made me feel so loved and known at 30 years in <3