Due June 21st to be the cutest family of all time.
A tree does not know where its seed will take root.
A flower does not decide which bee will bear its fruit.
A mother cannot bring about a vision for her child,
no matter how she bends the truth.
A bird does not trust its sons forever to the nest.
A fox has not the weave with which to keep her daughter dressed.
A mother cannot promise funds or firmness of the future,
but these are not the sources of her rest.
A star will die in chaos without all sense of direction.
A night gives birth to morning but makes no vain prediction.
A mother knows not what tomorrow is,
but still she keeps conviction.
She believes beyond all vacuums,
because of patterns, hopes and hints
that there exists a stronger love
than she could provenance.
We tried pools, lakes, splash pads, and we liked them all. Crazy to think that 1 year ago, I was treading water almost every day trying to encourage you to come out!
Lately you love: riding in carts, exploring with dad, sitting on Grammy’s lap, being read to (What are Duck and Goose Feeling? and when it gets to the Happy page you love to say “happphh”), standing on your tippy toes to see the chickens in the backyard, and watching daddy cook in the kitchen.
Aug 2018/ May 2019
I’ve been trying to write you something and I have one month left until June 6th and the right words aren’t arranging themselves how I would want them to. So I’ll tell you something else.
Today someone I know lost their baby at 36 weeks. Somehow this seems right to tell you, because maybe someday you will feel that this first year of life (and however many you are given after) was owed to you. But it might not have ever happened. That was possible too. However many years you get, and however many I get with you, I hope you’ll know each one was not owed to you. In school they may tell you something else, but this is why it’s important we learn to count things. Because our bodies know they won’t reach infinity on their own, but we do not.
You wouldn’t sleep last night and I’m tired today. The reason you wouldn’t is still a mystery. So much of your existence is wrapped up in these little and grand mysteries. The mystery of why I was given this year with you, and some aren’t given so much. Down to the mystery of why you couldn’t sleep last night. You’ve been teaching me minute by minute how to exist without knowing anything.
If I’m honest, I do wish I could know more.
How to settle a mind that wants conclusions before things have concluded. Conclusion is not owed to me. That you are still breathing and growing and thriving is the opposite of you concluding. Grief is the business of being given conclusions before we are ready for them.
Today I will keep my tired eyes open to you a little wider and a little longer, because today was not owed to us. I’ll wash you, dress you, and sing softly into your ear to help my eternal heart be present in this physical moment. I’ll hold you to myself and quiet any thoughts of the sacrifices I have made for you, and redirect them to how many opportunities I was given to sacrifice for you. What gifts.
And when my thoughts turn to fear, because death makes me fear conclusions will be drawn too early;
I’ll listen to your laugh, and I’ll pray it’s eternal.
Got to take you scouting with me this morning :)
4.30.18 “I can tell that we are gonna be friends.”
A snack on the porch after work because it’s a sunny spring afternoon.
This year my sister turned 27 on Easter Sunday so she made the most delicious Easter brunch for her family and she let me decorate the table for her. So much fun to celebrate her and collaborate with her. <3 My favorite was the cardamom strawberry popsicles ✨
There is no history
my experience of you is one continuous loop.
There never was before you
There will be nothing after.
Thus the Apostle's Mystery:
It may be too much to ascribe
to another person,
too divine to live firsthand.
But God the man makes a bride of mankind:
who am I to belittle what he planned?
I am now always wed to you.
I am always of a bed with you.
I am tomorrow always head to you.
is an eternal setting
in the story of the heart.
This is what the children of all the divorced know:
Why can it not be with whom you said it would be?
May our children never know it.
What begins in ceremony never dies.
It only gets belied.
What grows in covenant never decays.
It only gets betrayed.
There are promises and mistakes,
Oaths and their oathbreaks.
May he bind the cords again tonight
In a moment unfit to share with anyone else.
May he write the words again tonight
In a poem meant only for us
So we know a little better
What it is to be chosen
And never lied to or betrayed -
A selection once done, ever frozen
What awe it is to be loved -
A beginning with no end.
Endless beginnings as far as the eye can see.
"Behold, I am making all things new."
Once more: I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Love that we find you here so often.
Nothing more fun than coasters.
You loved all the “di/ti/shhhhh”
You love watching everything that lives underwater, just like your dad.
You love being underwater, just like your mom.